abis liat blognya smita

just a moment ago, i read smita's blog. i'm not a good writer like her, i admit. but there are some things that inspired me (smichi, you're really inspiring! remember, inspiring not copy-cat :p), smita, whom i had small chit-chat with her behind the yellow bus during DaPur, about comfort zone and stuffs, about the future and that kinda awake me. i've been dreaming and sleeping all these times, since i found my comfort zone.

but in 10 months, i will leave, leaving jakarta, my comfort zone, i gotta go there for the sake of my education. i will leave my best friends here, and i'm going to brisbane with my classmates. amen.

i will leave my friends, my comfort zone, and most importantly, my family. the last thing i mentioned is the only things that makes me happy for leaving them. they act as my chain, they bind me so i limited only to certain things that decent, according to them. i just want to be free, and to me, family is a burden.

random thought on tuesday, 15th september 2009

at least, i'm free from this chain of commitment that keep haunting me for this past months. okay, for just a mere second i can take a deep breath and relax, while my mind is thinking about having fun this whole week. well, to be honest i can't think straight because my brain has been drained for the sake of my future and academic life. all i can do right now is let the pressure gone for awhile and let these strains that bind myself loosen up a bit.

screw you

For the 2nd time this week, my plan has been ruined by you, mom.

I got nothing left to do beside cursing.

i am (re-post from 2007)

i am not helpless nor a savior
i am not a pilgrim nor a prophet
i am not a villain nor a hero
i am not a slave nor a master
i am not a hypocrite nor a saint

i am what i am
i am me
not you nor everybody else

posted on 22.2.07

ignorance

i asked for ignorance, and it has been given to me. so, why should i mind?

freedom

what's the meaning of word freedom to you? for me, it's something sacred that should be internalized into yourself. not self in the narrow meaning, but rather in broader meaning, as if the freedom has melted into yourself, merged into you body and soul, it is something that should be solemnly worship by everyone who wants to be authentic, not fake.

for me, somehow conformity just look fake. i'm sorry to the conformers out there who read this, but i personally think that you should be able to make something out yourself rather than conformity with the others. i don't want to make connection between the freedom im talking here to social norms and values, please just don't.

i just wonder, there some things that makes me choose my own way of freedom. i already have plans for my future, but yea, i know i might not as smart as them, but i want to go my own way, walk my own path, and humming my very own melody of life. i want to live my life as i pleased, different from anyone else. i will not give myself up to fate and destiny. i will go against them until my last breath and drip of blood. i don't care how the subway works and a machine operated. i just want to find my way, my own way, free from everything i hate.

to be absolutely free is impossible, because as a creature we must have connections and related to other creatures as well, whether you realize it or not. however, some people say that impossible is nothing. well, such ambiguous things do exist in this world.

i will pursue my very own freedom in my own way, so that the freedom is mine.

untitled - 9

i wonder why...there are certain people that belongs to the certain community, that most likely to give words that give me somewhat false or fake hope. honestly, i don't care how hard the gales is slapping my very face with its' coldness or how heavy the rain is to fall from sky, with grace, as if the sky is crying so hard, brokenhearted.

once and for all, i allowed myself to take another deep breath, to inhale the air of my surrounding, of course with a little bit of condensed air, which turns into vapor of our breath, consist of water, the utmost particle that forms life.

i let myself blew by the wind, no, the heavy gale that accompany this heavy rain so it turns out to be a storm. i can't get myself other things to do. no card mates, and there is no sign of my very friends in the place i am in. sitting still, i refuse to give up, i shall continue the struggle against the fate, the destiny, and the crowd. the spirit of conformity has turned you into nothing but nothingness.

however, i shall let myself to go with the flow, conscious or unconscious. i want to distinct in some extent, but what the social accept is conformity, not diversity. humans, no, individuals are born distinctly from each other, there are no individuals that exactly the same, there must be difference present, even only in its' gene.

differences itself can be the basic of conformity, where differences is the only things shared in common between individuals. moreover, the only thing we are all sharing is DIFFERENCES.

Today's Song

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends

My theme song of today is this song, The Beatles' Song, With A Little Help From My Friends. I just bought this CD earlier this evening. From the first time I heard it, I fell in love in an instant, kind of cliche isn't it?

Well, today is somewhat weird to me. I woke up too late, around 10.30ish, and then I had a chat with some of my friends, then I took a shower, then I left. Somehow in the evening, I went to the CD store and I saw this CD, I ask the storekeeper if I can listen to the CD. I listened to it, and fell in love in an instant. In just a few seconds, I decided to buy the CD although it cost more than 100K IDR.

I chose this song as my song of the day, because after noon, there were always some people that kept me company. Monika and Petra, and then Tante Indah, and yeah tante, we DID meet someone in ZARA PIM ;p.

We're heading to the final part, is my personal comment on this song's morale. From the title itself, me must have known that this song tells us about how we need our friends in our lives. It is the example of face validity. Oooppss, some of my friends will kill me if I mentioned it again :p. Back to topic, as a social creature yet an individual, we need balance in our life, especially the social thingy.

Yeah, I do NEED somebody, somebody I LOVE, and to LOVE me back.

I Thought...

I thought I could do it but I couldn't. I thought I can stop thinking about you but I can't. Images of you appear continuously beyond my consciousness, I have no power to control it. I got no inspiration to write, no spirit left in me. What can I do? Besides hopelessly wishing upon a star, once, and for all.

Cried

Tonight, I've cried several times and I still don't know how to fix it. Now, my tears has dried so there's nothing left to prove that I cried.