sick and alone

i'm so sick of being alone
being the one is not all good
some feelings are missing from you heart
gave you nausea all over again
i'm sick to hell of it
these severe headache that has been blessed to me
i never saw things clearly
my perception always never been clear
always blurry and paradoxing
but still, i never give a damn about that
i'm filled with emptiness
i'm blessed with this strength
but in exchange, the strength, independency
it is only a mask
to cover up my weak
my lonely self
like hell i have imagined
how to have someone beside you
and always telling you how much they love you
i never dreamt nor hoping for that
i felt that it is almost impossible to me
for you, i was just looked too strong
but actually, i'm not that strong
your perception of me just said so
but that is not me
i will keep telling you that i don't like to be alone anymore
i want to forgot these uneasy feelings when i'm alone
that was just so nauseating to me
i just want to erase that from my memories
the dead end that i'm facing right now,
i wish i could get through it
but i still don't know if i could or not
that is not my main goal for now
now, i just want to be free again
free from the chain that bonded me with
the war that i am in now, i think it's a bit unfair
since i was blessed with blood that is
running through my veins
and bring me the knowledge i needed
my opponents are blessed with smaller opportunities than me
still be thankful to, but
i chose not to be a hypocrite, again
but i don't know paths that awaits me in near or distant future
still have a simple wish deep inside my heart
just to be adequate is enough
in anything
to be too ambitious was just not me
they called me an underachiever
but i don't care about that
the holy blood that running through my veins said that
i have to pursue higher and better than i am now
sick of it
i just don't want to be useless
but how?
with my state now
i don't know how to not be
my personal thoughts don't really help me
what i got is what i have gotten
not so long ago

what they see and saw in me
isn't what it is
sometimes they just pretend to know me
but actually they do not know me at all
i hate those pretenders
like hell i want to interact with them
just mind your own fucking businesses, d'uh
when you think you know me,
no, you don't know me
only very few person on earth that knew
who i really am
from what i have learnt
what you are is the manifestation of your past
i think it's true
my thought about the world is not the same as yours
like hell i care about how you eat
what i care is about people who care about me
in past, or present, or even future
i don't really care about those financial assets
what i care about is human, not something fictive like that
i still want to break out and be
free like i want to be
but to be really free is impossible
because the nature's law won't allowed it
our fate is to be a social creature but individual
so funny, so paradox

still, i hate this
lonely feelings
that embraced me always
i want to escape from it
but it won't allowed me
i just wanted to be gone
away from all these
pain and hurting feelings
my hope that has just been destroyed
still, like hell i want
but this is it
the reality that God has given me
blessed me with
should be thankful to
not to be unthankful
still try
to reimburse myself with tears i got left
which i can't let them out
because of my pride or whatever it is
i just want to be free, i emphasize once again
which is i know it's impossible, again
in the end, we're all gonna be the same
back to where we really belong
death.