indifferent

hey, it's me
the melancholy me
i know you wouldn't have thought at the first time
but this is me
it's so funny how the things work isn't it?
what you've guessed is so different from the reality
your first perception is so blurry
so unclear about these
what you see isn't always what you see
what you hear isn't always what you hear
to looked so lively like this
but so indifferent inside
powerful but weak
no, i'm not like that
what you perceive isn't always true
the truth itself is beyond your thoughts
always relative, never been absolute

revenge

you were right
always right
it's like i'm the reason for all of this
like i will never be right, always wrong
i'm living my own delusional reality
i've cornered, beaten up till my last breath
am i live for revenge?
or am i just a coward try to runaway from this?

for you, who made me like this, all that i owed you is my sweet and TASTY revenge.
i am not a mere forgiver who can easily forgive you, like a poor and innocent lamb of God
i rather be a demonic soul trapped in this body
i am a human filled with hatred like no one else
i just want revenge
eventhough the Prophet said we must forgive and forget, but not to me.
Even God Itself should try to erase this vengeance
i am no ordinary, so shall i put my revenge above all matters.



i swear to my blood, i am going to do all my duties and responsibilities, then you shall have my revenge paid in few years. i swear.

rain

is it raining outside?
to think that i do not want to know
this heavy rain i don't want to meet
because its' only gonna make me wet
not helping me at all

to forget these feelings inside
to forgive all of your mistakes
in me lies a stone in my thoughts and hearts
kept crushing these happiness in me

made them unto nothing i could hang on to
make me floating around, freely
but with no final answer to all my inquiries
within me lies the thought to let it all went away from me

nothing

with these very eyes
i saw fireflies floating around
when i closed my eyes to make sure it wasn't a dream
it's all gone, because all i saw was just an illusion

just like these warmth you gave me
even it's only for a moment
or only my imagination
still be thankful to

with these hands
i tried to hold tight
hold on till the end
but i lost my grip on.

i am grey
no black, neither do white
no good, but no evil
i shall be in the border of everything
belong to nothingness

realm that i've created
just on my thoughts
it full with nothing
everything that lead to emptiness

paradoxing everything
that's what my mind do
doubting everything's possible
even truth is substantial to me

lightning

these pain inside
a lightning just struck my head
destroying everything i have
including hope and forgiveness

so, here i am
struck by the lightning
and stand still
full of hatred and revenge

bond

how can i be free from this bond?
keep holding me here in my path so i can not walk away from it
i just want to break away and be
the chain that keep me still
where keep me standing far away from you and still can do nothing

what should i do to be released?
just waiting in vain like any other?
or should i try to find my way? different way?
i just want to find my own way, is that a crime?

after all, a bonding relationship means a debt
from the predecessor to the successor
from progenitor to their offspring
it's like an endless chain of debt
eternal cycle of life which is can not be stopped
it is improper for us to fight against the law of nature

why should i born with these bonds within me?
it is far better if i did not born either
rather than be here, related.
i do not want to bonded or related
it was just too painful to lose one
i would prefer not to feel if it is in the end i would got hurt
i shall end up lifeless just like me, now

as i choose my path not to be bonded by anything
somehow i knew it is impossible
as i knew it is impossible for an offspring to born without the parents

hatred

this lonely feeling you gave me
suffocating everytime i take a breath
burned by hatred
that came from overflowing joy
which cannot be repeated
and i tried to ignore it
i've been longing for too long
since i cannot remember
i am unable to describe these
feelings that slowly dissolve into my thoughts
toxicating my perception about the world
overwhelmed with these excitement
stopping my brain from working
memories that i've kept for myself only
paradoxing in everything i knew
drive me further and further away
from my own fate and path
pursuing those uncertain future
i was blinded
by my own reason
that i will not give to anyone else beside me